Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Angst

Angst is a constant part of my life. There was a time when I could make decisions and not struggle with what I chose. Nowadays, every decision is a struggle. Even something as simple as which toothpaste to buy takes up 10 minutes in the grocery store. The latest decision that is causing me extreme anxiety that I may be making the wrong choice is an interview that I have this afternoon. I see myself walking into a scenario that I have repeated so many times. One of my goals is to find a job closer to home and closer to my husband. This job will add at least 15 minutes to my commute and is in the opposite direction from my husband. I want a job in a field that interests me. This job is with an insurance company. Can you feel my excitement? This job is with a large corporation. I have already determined that the corporate world is not for me.

Nevertheless, the constant struggle between what I want to do and my overwhelming sense of obligation and commitment has made this decision difficult. I have already made a commitment with this company to be there on this day at a certain time and by golly, I will be there even though I know it is a complete waste of time. Mine and theirs. It seems like a no brainer when I really think about it but I know that if I cancel this interview, I will feel bad about not keeping my commitment and when I am having a really bad day at work, I will wonder what could have been if I had just gone on that interview.

The good news is that since I really don't want the job, I won't feel pressured to go in there and act like Ms. Perfect. It will be a lot easier to be myself. I'm not writing down questions to ask and I'm not memorizing the company's last annual statement.

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