Friday, August 24, 2007

Bad Dreams

Have you ever had one of those dreams that haunt you for a long time afterward? I rarely remember my dreams but I had one the other night that was so vivid, I am still thinking about it. I dreamt that I had a baby. I was actually in the delivery room and when the baby popped out, I just got up and walked out of the room. I didn't look at my baby, I didn't touch my baby. I didn't cuddle my baby. I didn't cry tears of joy. I got up and went back to work as though I had never had a baby. The rest of the dream was alternating flashes of me at work acting like there was no baby and my baby laying alone in the nursery at the hospital just waiting for someone to come and care for it....to love it. This went on over several days because I was wearing different outfits in the parts where I was at work. My baby was abandoned for days! The people in the hospital were taking care of all the other babies and ignoring my baby!

I woke up feeling absolutely awful about that dream and started crying. I still want to cry when I think of it. What kind of person am I to have a baby and act like it doesn't exist? Where was my husband? I just feel so awful when I think about it! What does it mean?

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Anxiety

I've discovered something. I eat when I am anxious. Food is calming, soothing, a distraction. I guess I've had anxious feelings for a long time. Why it took me so long to figure out that usually when I feel anxious, there is food in my hand, I don't know. When I was getting my ticket back in January, I reached for a candy bar as the officer was writing the ticket. Yesterday, when I encountered some unexpected traffic on my drive in to work, I reached for a Kashi bar and ended up eating two. I would have probably eaten more if the rest of the stuff in my lunch bag didn't need reheating.

Living in the Atlanta area, I encounter traffic every day almost so the only reason I can think of for that particular traffic jam making me anxious is that I was not expecting it. I drive that several mornings a week and rarely ever encounter significant traffic at that time of the morning. So, I guess a lot of my anxiety is brought on by the unexpected. What can I do about the unexpected? Nothing. I honestly think that exercise is the only reason I have not gained back all the weight I lost and then some because I am a pretty healthy eater and now I understand that much of that eating is not related to hunger.