Wednesday, January 21, 2009

It's Official...I'm Crazy

I'm sitting here comforting myself with a big piece of chocolate cake. I normally don't eat stuff like this but I'm having a pretty bad week at work and need to unload but first, my bright spot. My little man has been moving liking a mad man this week. He typically moves when I sit or lay down. Every once in a while he'll move when I'm standing still or walking. I don't know what it is about sitting or laying down but he doesn't seem to like it. I read that they move more when you're sitting down because walking around rocks them to sleep. If that's the case, he hasn't been getting much sleep this week. Sorry buddy, I have a desk job. I have to sit down. It's been too cold lately for me to walk around outside but I will once it warms up a little. I'm sure he'd enjoy that. I'm feeling much better since the last time I wrote. The tiredness has gone from every day to a few days a week. I do still have the heart beat issue but other than mentioning it to my doctor at my next appointment, there's not much I can do.

OK, on to work. I guess this has more to do with me than work. I seem to be repeating this cycle where I end up in working in these places for a while and then really start to hate it. I realized a long time ago that I can do just about any job but if the people grate on my nerves, the job becomes unbearable. I don't think I've gotten to it being unbearable and my co-workers are generally nice people. Everyone has their quirks so I try not to let little things annoy me. Without going into all the details of why I'm having such a bad week, I was driving to the grocery store after work and really started to ponder when these feelings of discontent started. They started when I got to Ft. Campbell way back in 1994. I had no problems making friends in high school and in Korea. I get to Ft. Campbell and all that changes. I befriended 2 people in 10 months, only 1 of which I would consider an actual friend. The other one was a bit of a nut that I talked to out of necessity.

Unfortunately, this pattern has continued. Needless to say Ft. Campbell was a nightmare. It completely changed my opinion of the Army and was the primary reason that I did not re-enlist. Re-enlisting would have meant another 2 years there. No thanks! Ever since then, I have attracted people who I just cannot seem to relate to. I'm sure on some level some of it is me. I'm convinced though that it's not all me. I realized something about myself today. I have a hard time with ineffective people, especially those in leadership roles or those who just can't seem to manage their lives. I have a hard time with that because I believe that most situations require someone to take charge and if I see no one else doing it, then I do it. It is not my true nature and it is not a role that I am comfortable with. It was something that I learned to do in the military because it was necessary.

So, the person I'm having a problem with this week shares this trait with me. Taking charge does not appear to be her natural tendency and she rarely tries to appear as though she is in charge. She doesn't have the hard edge that I built up over the years which makes it all the more frustrating for me. I guess I don't like showing weakness and people that do show weakness frustrate me. Asking me for direction when you're the boss, not appearing to be on top of things, and just being generally clueless are things that I experience almost daily. Whether I feel like it or believe it, the image that I project is that I am strong and capable. When I have worked in autonomous jobs, this quality has shined through. Now that I am being forced to work in teams, the perceived weaknesses I see in others somehow makes me feel bad. Since I internalize everything, these feelings are starting to wear on me now. I'm not one to gloat and talk about others behind their back. I also don't think it's my place to point it out to them. So all these negative feelings stay inside.

My confidence has never been so low because I see in these people what I would be if I didn't work so hard at not appearing to be that way. I endured it for 5 years at my old job. My old boss just could not give clear direction. It was the most maddening experience of my life. I don't know if I can go through it again. I certainly can't change them but I don't know how to change my thinking about this so that I don't feel so bad. It's as though I look at them and think that all it takes is one slip-up and I'll be just like them. So, I avoid them. I once worked with a girl who didn't even have $10 in her bank account at the end of the month. Another one was consistently 1 to 2 hours late for every appointment. I just can't be around that. If I say something, I feel bad. If I don't say anything, I still feel bad. It's a no-win situation.

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